Bribing Gravity, Ambulances, & 20 Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

Editorial Team

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Make Monday fun for someone, share one of these..

20 Hilarious Facebook Status Updates:

I’m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
You had me at hello…oh you weren’t talking to me.
Oxford Dictionary in the streets. Urban Dictionary in the sheets.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
People who say, “I’ve got your back” are usually looking for the best place to stick the knife.
Keep rolling your eyes and maybe, one day, you’ll find a brain back there.
“Whatever you do, don’t panic.” – the most panic-inducing sentence in the English language
Sorry I didn’t show up for our date but I wanted you to have a good time.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Which is messier my life or my hair?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Some people have a cute laugh. I have a laugh that inspired the sound hyenas make.
I used to wake up to cute texts. Now I just wake up to 100% battery.
Hey cars with Jesus fish stickers, I know it doesn’t explicitly say so in the Bible but I’m pretty sure God wants you to use your blinkers.
That awkward moment when you have to stare at a text for five minutes to figure out how to reply.