Bounce House, Cows Come Home, and Hysterical Status Updates

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20 Hysterical Facebook Status Updates:

I don’t mind your weirdness, as long as it’s compatible with mine.
Anyone else say “Ouch” when you accidentally hit a body part even if it didn’t hurt at all?
me: is it weird to talk to yourself?
me: no
Kids born in 2000 never have to worry about forgetting how old they are.
For someone who can’t sing, I sure sing a lot.
Friends come and go, but pizza is forever.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I can say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed.
And for my next trick, I’m going to convince you all that I’m a fully-functioning adult!
I’ve reached the age where Happy Hour is a nap.
I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.
Smelling another person should be a choice.
Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
The people who comment below news stories scare me.
I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty psyched about working full time for the next 60 years!
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
Hello Acme? Yeah it’s me again. I’m gonna need a rocket & some roller skates. Yeah & a sign that says ‘Yikes’. No I still haven’t caught him.
Drake got me upset about a relationship I never had.
If I’ve learned anything from the Kardashians it’s that I shouldn’t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.