Rottweiler Loves Cat, My Hobbies, and Monday Status Updates

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Status Updates for a Monday:

So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Why do parents feel the need to hold your phone when showing them a picture?
I only have like 2 or 3 real friends, the others are just people I socialize with.
That moment in between netflix episodes when you see your reflection on the black screen and wonder what you are doing with your life.
Wish I was simple and cute but instead I’m sarcastic and annoying.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
This year, I’m gonna put mistletoe on my ass and let everyone just figure it out.
Wine may not solve all your problems, but neither will water.
That awkward moment when you step out of the shower and then realize there’s no towel.
You seem to really give a f*ck about letting the whole internet know you don’t give a f*ck.
Did you know you can add “boom” to the end of any sentence and it’s immediately awesome and you’re amazing? Boom.
It’s beginning to look a lot like f*ck this.
It may be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Sometimes Canadians fistfight over who is more sorry.
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’