Big Kitty, Home Early, and Witty Statuses

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20 Witty Facebook Statuses:

  1. Santa Clause has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
  2. Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe…
  3. Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
  4. Relationships nowadays: First month, I love you baby! Second month, we are forever! Third month, Single.
  5. The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin Mcallister because I’m always going home alone
  6. Sometimes when it’s nice out I feel bad playing Mario Kart inside all day, so I pick a sunny outdoor course like Koopa Troopa Beach.
  7. There are two types of people in this world and it is easily determined by what they do when an ice cube falls on the floor.
  8. My phone just auto-corrected, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
  9. I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a “safe & fun work environment” Sheryl.
  10. Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
  11. You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
  12. The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
  13. I am sorry you are too busy to type the ‘o’ in ‘ok’ my liege.
  14. When I die I want to be buried with a random animal bone from a giraffe or something. Just to mess with future archaeologists.
  15. By all means, please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.
  16. THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
  17. After a million years of human evolution, man has reached a point where he is now stupider than his telephone.
  18. Shout out to people with no boundaries who tell complete strangers intimate details we don’t want to hear!
  19. Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
  20. After several overly committed experiments, I have concluded that it is impossible to die of bacon poisoning.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

home early

Haha, looks about right!

Big Kitty is a KittEh At Heart:

Meow! So cute 🙂 So Scary… but, So cute!

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