Best Golf Shot Ever, Terrible Work Epidemic, and Good Time Status Updates

Editorial Team

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Sharable Facebook Status Updates for a Good Time:

My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Your cat thinks of you as a pet.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
Sargasm: the exhilarating feeling you get when the right person understands that you weren’t serious and appreciates your joke.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am? Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and… Cop: You’re free to go.
Some days you can’t play the music loud enough.
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.