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20 Clever Status Updates for Facebook:
- I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
- You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.
- So there’s a film where a man’s wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son his left physically disabled. In a twist of events the son is kidnapped and kept in a tank while his father chases the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally challenged woman. Finding Nemo is quite the thriller…
- We have rappers who used to be pimps and gangsters telling us not to download music because it’s stealing.
- What I don’t understand is how Dora is a five year old bilingual explorer but she needs help to figure out which of her books is red?
- If your boss doesn’t know you were late for work and no one else knows you were late for work then you weren’t late for work.
- Remember when our ancestors used to use their mouths to communicate, good times.
- Step 1: Buy a 3D printer
Step 2: Print a 3D printer
Step 3: Return the 3D printer
- I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
- People who aren’t funny get offended by jokes.
- Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late.
- I’m “I had to change the channel to 3 to play video games” years old.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and other times I just let her sleep.
- In our day mom gave us pure uncooked gluten straight from the pan while dad shotgunned cigar smoke up our nostrils with a straw. Wussy kids these days, I tell ya.
- Being a man means doing what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to anyone. This is my…shit she’s coming. To be continued.
- For some reason it’s a lot easier to pick the lock on a safe if you’re wearing a tuxedo
- I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
- One time I snoozed and I won.
- Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
- Don’t tell secrets near a grape vine.
Base Jumping Dog:
Looks like that doggy is glad to be on solid ground again.