Base Jumping Dog, RAWR, and 20 Clever Status Updates

Editorial Team

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20 Clever Status Updates for Facebook:

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.
So there’s a film where a man’s wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son his left physically disabled. In a twist of events the son is kidnapped and kept in a tank while his father chases the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally challenged woman. Finding Nemo is quite the thriller…
We have rappers who used to be pimps and gangsters telling us not to download music because it’s stealing.
What I don’t understand is how Dora is a five year old bilingual explorer but she needs help to figure out which of her books is red?
If your boss doesn’t know you were late for work and no one else knows you were late for work then you weren’t late for work.
Remember when our ancestors used to use their mouths to communicate, good times.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer
Step 2: Print a 3D printer
Step 3: Return the 3D printer
I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
People who aren’t funny get offended by jokes.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late.
I’m “I had to change the channel to 3 to play video games” years old.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and other times I just let her sleep.
In our day mom gave us pure uncooked gluten straight from the pan while dad shotgunned cigar smoke up our nostrils with a straw. Wussy kids these days, I tell ya.
Being a man means doing what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to anyone. This is my…shit she’s coming. To be continued.
For some reason it’s a lot easier to pick the lock on a safe if you’re wearing a tuxedo
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
One time I snoozed and I won.
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
Don’t tell secrets near a grape vine.