Make your weekend last longer, share one of these…
20 Sarcastic Facebook Statuses
- Have you ever known someone so sh*tty that they completely ruin that first name for you?
- Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
- You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately!
- me: better check my phone for texts from friends
me: *checks phone*
me: better get some friends
- Sometimes I feel useless, but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.
- I always win arguments with people on the internet because I do this super cool thing where I stop typing and log off.
- I’m not telling you how to think, just politely asking you to occasionally perform the activity.
- You don’t owe an explanation for who you are.
- Keep scrolling, I got nothin.
- Starting a Beer Removal Service. If you have too much, give me a call and I’ll be right there.
- Police Officer: “Turn around!” Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
- When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
- The “thank you wave” after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is the only thing holding this fragile society together.
- Dear sweatpants and hoodies, thanks for being there for me. Sincerely, sexy and I know it, but too lazy to show it.
- Can’t afford to get my brakes fixed, so I made my horn louder instead.
- A newsfeed full of status-updates and pics of your kids, is all the birth control I need.
- I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
- MARRIAGE: Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.
- This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I’m dating him.
- Your girl using your phone is like a cop trailing you. Even if you’re innocent, you still feel like you got a kilo of blow in the trunk.
Baby Deer does NOT want to be put down…
Poor little guy just wants some belly rubs, is that too much to ask for?