Alarm Clock Dog, Your Name, and 20 Crazy Facebook Statuses

Editorial Team

516

One of these will make you laugh guaranteed…

20 Crazy Facebook Statuses:

Can I nominate you for the boiling water challenge?
I don’t mean to interrupt people I just randomly remember things and get really excited I’m sorry.
Some people annoy me and I don’t even know them…
Dance like nobody is watching!!! …because they’re not…they’re checking their phone.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
It’s amazing how 3 minutes with the wrong person feels like an eternity, yet 3 hours with the right one, feels like only a moment.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Clear the unused time on the microwave, you monster!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Clear the unused time on the microwave, you monster!
Bless me Father for I hit send.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
The best kinds of laughter: Laughing so hard your laugh becomes silent.
Life is only as great as the risks you’re willing to take.
Before Facebook we all had to lie about how happy we are in person.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I’m on a ‘secure line’
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.