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20 Comical Facebook Statuses:
- If the government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have this fixed by tomorrow morning.
- A bed designed like a toaster: it just launches your unwilling body out when the alarm goes.
- Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
- I hate it when I’m trying to be serious, but then I accidentally smile.
- I miss you, I want you, I need you now, pizza.
- I hate when I forget to press send on my phone, then sit & wait there for a reply like an idiot.
- Tom & Jerry: the original “1000 Ways to Die.”
- If spiders start flying I’m leaving this planet.
- I love people who can make me laugh, when I don’t even want to smile.
- Do you ever just wake up and go “nope” and roll over and go back to sleep?
- I don’t care how old I am. If I lose my Mom in the supermarket I will panic.
- The five stages of a breakup: 1. The hating 2. The missing 3. The social media stalking 4. The trying to win back 5. The “What was I thinking?”
- I’m not rude, I just say what everybody else is thinking.
- I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted”.
- Your license plate should be your phone number… So when you drive like a dickhead, I can let you know about it.
- Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
- Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
- It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
- Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
- Saying “what” but then one second later realizing what they said.
Are you ready for Halloween? This Lizard is…
Daw, Lizard Shark! I Loves it!
80 Years of Aging in 5 Minutes (You have to see it!)
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