Facebook Status Updates

Home Alone, Puppy Playing Dead, & 20 Laughable Status Updates

Editorial Team

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Get over hump day, share one of these..

20 Laughable Status Updates:

I’m done adulting for today.
Why did everyone play the recorder in fourth grade? What were they training us for?
*picks up crying baby* it’s fine buddy when u grow up you will learn how to do this on the inside
How do people have enough money to afford drug addictions? I can barely afford guacamole.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
Please don’t be a bitch to me because then I’ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better.
I could really go for a puppy right now.
The real power of a man… Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It’s f*cking delicious.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It’s their job. I don’t go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say “science appreciates you”.
Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCaprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.