Facebook Status Updates

Dancing Elephants, Future Career, & 20 Epic Status Updates

Editorial Team

743

Hello glorious fans, Make someones Thursday with one of these..

20 Quality Status Updates:

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I am at my most dangerous when I almost know what I am doing.
Every Morning. Me: “Let me gooo!!!” Bed: “Neverrr!!!”
Sarcasm is a body’s natural defense against stupid.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
I don’t always add and multiply, just sum times.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Condoms need to be located in the f*cking baby aisle right next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans.
It’s kinda sad that we’re in a time where a main selling point in advertisements of foods is that they’re made with 100% of the “real” ingredients that they’re supposed to be made up of.
Male camel toe? Dude that’s just nuts.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I just don’t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
You know it’s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off – and put some new ones on.
I bet if dogs could talk, the first words out of their mouth would be “you gonna eat that?”
I treat people exactly how I want to be treated. I leave them the f*ck alone.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?