Lonely, Disciplined Dog, & 20 Clever Facebook Statuses

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Saying what you’re thinking since 2010…

Bill Gates and I have a combined fortune of around 80 billions of dollars.
There is no “u” in awesome… But there is a “me”.
Distance sucks…my room is so far from the kitchen.
There’s probably an employee at State Farm really named “Jake” who sick of everyone’s jokes.
Babysitters are just teenagers who act like adults so adults can go out and act like teenagers.
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
The next “60’s” are closer than the last “60’s”.
I’m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me… And apologize for after.
hmmm that’s a bit too harsh
let me put “lol” at the end of it
I can’t be friends with sensitive ass people, I joke around way too much.
Where can I get one of those Kim Kardashian jobs where I’m basically just paid to exist?
My taste of music goes from heavy metal all the way to Disney soundtracks…
I want to push all your buttons. Starting with mute.
I’m trying to give up sexual innuendoes…but it’s hard…so hard.
You know your childhood is over when you fall asleep on the couch…and wake up on the couch.
Sorry I’m late. I didn’t really want to come.
I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I’m also deaf in one ear.
There is no excuse for laziness. But let me know if you find one.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
Am I the only one who thinks the Pringles guy and Monopoly guy are related?