Ultimate Drone Save, Police Dogs, & Top 20 Weekend Statuses

Make your weekend last longer, share one of these…

Top 20 Weekend Statuses:

  1. I’ve robbed banks before…and they’re never getting their pens back.
  2. Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
  3. People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
  4. Where there are pants, There is sadness.
  5. I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
  6. When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
  7. At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
  8. Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2014.
  9. Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
  10. I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
  11. (more…)

-538 points

Moment of Kindness, Work Meetings, & 20 Clever Status Posts

Make Monday fun again, share one of these…

20 Clever Facebook Status Posts:

  1. Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
  2. Coworker: What did you do this weekend?
    Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
  3. Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
  4. I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
  5. Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
  6. I can make your gf scream louder than you can. – Spider
  7. You can kill your attraction to anyone by watching them chew.
  8. Hell is a never-ending Instagram account of a girl who just got a new boyfriend.
  9. No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
  10. My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
  11. (more…)

-344 points

Cat Mistake, Apple Pie, & Todays Top 20 Status Updates

We’ve got something for everyone, check out these..

Daily Top 20 Status Updates:

  1. How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
  2. “Would you like a bag for that?” asks the rude cashier, pointing to your face.
  3. According to recent statistics, I have 100% no idea what I’m doing with my life.
  4. If you’re ever feeling down on your appearance, remember: even the ugliest potato can become a beautiful delicious French fry. Everybody wants a french fry.
  5. Any pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
  6. You are part of a puzzle in someones life. You may never know where you fit. But, someones life may never be complete without you in it.
  7. One morning, the CEO of UPS woke up and was like “Screw it, trucks don’t need doors.”
  8. Don’t let regrets about the past or worries about the future rob you of your enjoyment of the present.
  9. TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.
  10. Disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
  11. (more…)

-71 points