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Witty Facebook Status Updates
- Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
- The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
- Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
- I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
- The worst thing you can do for somebody is something they should be doing for themselves.
- It doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty… it’s clearly almost time to order another drink.
- Dear iTunes and Adobe, Would it not be more time efficient to just tell us when you are NOT updating?
- I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
- If I can hear you chewing, even with your mouth closed, I hate you.
- Unless you can explain how you know me in three words or less, Facebook Friend Request: DENIED.
- You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.
- “Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
- I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite
- If you think you have me figured out, that’s hilarious because I don’t even have myself figured out.
- It’s nice when someone can reply to your sarcasm with sarcasm instead of just getting offended.
- Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
- I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
- I just ate a ton of Chinese food. I can hardly wok now.
- My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
- Hand sanitizer is the best way to find invisible cuts on your hands.
Welcome to the FriendZone:
Doesn’t get much worse than that! Poor bloke 🙁 Share on Facebook for some instant sympathy or hilarious comments… probably both.
Hamster Misses Gear Shift… (Explicit Language)
Something about little hamsters that makes you just want to watch them for hours. This adorable video was no exception… can easily watch it a dozen times! Share it with your friends before it goes uber-viral.