UFOs, Dogs Who Want That Thing, and 20 Great Facebook Statuses

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Happy Monday, make someones day, share one of these…

The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
I wonder how thin I’d be if I had to pedal to keep the computer powered up.
Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Why fall in love when you can fall back asleep??
In the 90s if a woman said “my eyes are up here” it was because a guy was staring at her chest Today it’s because he’s staring at his phone.
Men everywhere should appreciate Starbucks attempt to brainwash women into believing that grande means medium.
*eats snack while looking for a better snack*
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
Laughter is the best medicine. But wine gets the job done faster.
You’ll be my glass of wine. I’ll be your shot of whiskey.
My only goal this summer is to not be confused with an albino.
What am I looking for in a guy? Feed me and tell my I’m pretty.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that’s just in case I find a cake.
It’s amazing how 3 minutes with the wrong person feels like an eternity, yet 3 hours with the right one, feels like only a moment.
Clear the unused time on the microwave, you monster!
Only a fool trips on what’s behind him.