20 Funny Statuses:
- f puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
- Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
- It’s called “Biscotti” because nobody would buy “chocolate covered croutons”.
- Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
- Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
- I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
- How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
- I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
- Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
- I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
- Ziploc’s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
- Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
- Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
- When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? … Please say tomorrow
- I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
- Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
- I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
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