Baby Deer Problems, Sleeping in Summer, and Sarcastic Status Updates

Editorial Team

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Make your weekend last longer, share one of these…

20 Sarcastic Facebook Statuses

Have you ever known someone so sh*tty that they completely ruin that first name for you?
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately!
me: better check my phone for texts from friends
me: *checks phone*
me: better get some friends
Sometimes I feel useless, but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.
I always win arguments with people on the internet because I do this super cool thing where I stop typing and log off.
I’m not telling you how to think, just politely asking you to occasionally perform the activity.
You don’t owe an explanation for who you are.
Keep scrolling, I got nothin.
Starting a Beer Removal Service. If you have too much, give me a call and I’ll be right there.
Police Officer: “Turn around!” Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
The “thank you wave” after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is the only thing holding this fragile society together.
Dear sweatpants and hoodies, thanks for being there for me. Sincerely, sexy and I know it, but too lazy to show it.
Can’t afford to get my brakes fixed, so I made my horn louder instead.
A newsfeed full of status-updates and pics of your kids, is all the birth control I need.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
MARRIAGE: Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.
This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I’m dating him.
Your girl using your phone is like a cop trailing you. Even if you’re innocent, you still feel like you got a kilo of blow in the trunk.