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Really Good Facebook Status Updates:

  1. My talents include stress eating and falling in love with people that will never love me back.
  2. School: juggling 50 things at once until you get so exhausted physically and mentally that you give up on everything and watch TV.
  3. *passionately sings the wrong line to a song*
  4. Why am I only motivated to sort my life out at 3am?
  5. Don’t worry kids, being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.
  6. I need to take a day…..or four.
  7. It’s amazing how ‘not thin’ a box of Thin Mints can make you feel.
  8. My favorite winter activity is staying inside in my pajamas and being antisocial.
  9. I need to get my birthday suit taken in.
  10. Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
  11. Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
  12. I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
  13. Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
  14. Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they’ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what’s really going on.
  15. I tried being modest once, as expected I was f*cking amazing at it.
  16. I’m confident but not old dude in the gym changing room confident.
  17. I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
  18. You haven’t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
  19. Calm the eff down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.
  20. I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

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