Jack Daniel’s – A Man’s Band-Aid
20 Funny Statuses:
- If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I’m married. I’m gonna fart.
- As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
- My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
- He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him….. Ill ask him again when he wakes up
- iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
- If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
- The problem with drinking with people from work is they’re the ones I bitch about when I’m drunk.
- Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can’t change a tire for sh*t.
- I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
- I’m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
- Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say “And can I get that to go?” and enjoy the confused silence.
- “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
- Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
- Sorry, I can’t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
- I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
- Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
- How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
- My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they’re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
- If you’re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
- If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?
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